THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS!
"Commitment to Excellence Since...Well, Not Yet."
Here are your 2000-2001 Los Angeles Clippers!

#96 Gargantum Adams, 7 Feet 7 Inches, 350 Pounds, Center
A 24 year old Center, Gargantum and his shorter big brother, Freak-Out, pack a powerful 1-2 punch for our Clippers! Gargantum grew up in Covina, California where he liked to beat up on kids who gave Freak-Out a bad time until Freak-Out grew up himself. Gargantum has never played basketball before, but seems to have a lot of natural talent, and will be the Clippers starting center! In his spare time, Gargantum likes to play Nintendo 64 and watch "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" He'd like to thank Donald T. Sterling for this great opportunity to play professional basketball, and looks forward to facing Shaquille O'Neal. His parents named him Gargantum because that's how he was described when he was born.
 #32 Hollandar "Mad Dog" Pitts, 6 Feet 11 Inches, 290 Pounds, Power Forward
They don't call him "Mad Dog" for nothing! Hollandar Pitts is the veteran on the team at age 31, and he's fierce, he's competitive, he even has his own web site, The Hollandar Pitts Network! Hollandar has been playing hoops on the playground in his native Witchita, Kansas. He played his High School Basketball at the now non-existant North Southern Witchita High School. After that, he took his dream job at a gas station nearby, and is proud to be given the chance to play professional basketball in the N.B.A. for the Clippers. During the off-season, Hollandar enjoys working on his web site and hanging out with his buddies, kicking back, and having a few brewskies. Hollandar would like to thank Ernie and Hans for buying him the goggles.
#13 Ron Steel, 6 Feet 9 Inches, 275 Pounds, Small Forward
27 year old Small Forward Ron Steel plays all day and all night. A sharpshooting Small Forward, Ron also plays tough defense and is a great passer. Out of North Oaks High School in Anycity, Arizona and Anycity University, Ron also is the leader of hard rock band "Ron And The Steel Society". Ron's tough mentality on the basketball court is matched only by his superiority in the bedroom and on the stage. There's a reason why Ron has a girl in every city, and it definitely isn't those stylish sunglasses he wears. A complete insomniac, Ron once stayed up for a year and a half straight. Playing for the Clippers is like a dream come true for Ron. He'd like to thank his band and his girls, Marsha, Ginger, Heather, Cassie, Valerie, Ashley...well, you get the picture. He'd also like to thank the strange man who sold him the sun glasses.
 #69 Freak-Out Adams, 6 Feet 6 Inches, 271 Pounds, Shooting Guard
FREAK OUT! That's the yell that will go up from the fans at the Staples Center when they see this guy play! Also from Covina, CA, Freak-Out Adams is 26 years old, and despite his size, is Gargantum Adams' big brother. His high level of energy since the day he was born is how Freak-Out got his name. His ability to pop the three point shot, his uncanny ability to be drawn to the ball, and the occasional hard dunk will be why you call him Freak-Out. Satisfaction GUARENTEED! Freak-Out would like to thank The Mark Adams Network for their sponsorship and his sister and her boyfriend for driving him crazy enough to start playing basketball to relieve stress.
#45 Octavio-Jam Reyes-Smith, 5 Feet 11 Inches, 190 Pounds, Point Guard
Octavio-Jam Reyes-Smith is a 26 year old pointguard from the Dominican Republic. At age 3, his parents dissapeared and he was kidnapped and taken to the U.S., where he was adopted by the Reyes family. Born Jamal Smith, he became Octavio Reyes. When he discovered his true name, he legally changed his name to Octavio-Jam Reyes-Smith. He loves to distribute the ball, but watch out, if he gets an open shot, it's all over. He can hit the 3 from 30 feet out with .3 showing on the clock, or he can drive the lane and make your center look like he was taking a nap. Octavio will pair off with Sampson Shorty and they will become the best 1-2 pointguard punch in the N.B.A.! Karl Malone says "Karl Malone say that Karl Malone think that duh Octavio-Jam Reyes-Smith got a lot of potential in Karl Malone's eyes." In other words, he's great! Octavio-Jam would like to thank all the little people for all their support.
 #00 Slim Shady, 7 Feet 7 Inches, 120 Pounds, Center
Slim Shady grew up in Detroit with rapper Eminem. He may be really tall and really skinny and look like a thug, but he got game! Slim Shady attributes his height and weight to years of hormones and diet pills. 25 years old, he loves to fly kites on the weekends, but says that it can be scary when the wind is blowing too hard. On 3 occasions, he has been carried by his kite in the wind, one time flying from Detroit to Syracuse, New York!
#91 Denny "Hollywood" Worm, 6 Feet 9 Inches, 280 Pounds, Power Forward
Denny Worm, age 29, is Dennis Rodman's FAVORITE basketball player. He's a rebounding expert and a spectacular dunker. He's Dennis Rodman with scoring ability! Coming from Orlando, Florida, Denny loves to play on the blacktop and is excited to be playing for the Clippers. He'd like to thank Carmen Electra for all her "good work". Denny would like to thank Dennis Rodman for inspiring his image, Donald T. Sterling for being a doll, a loser named Joe for being such a loser and making him look so good on the basketball court. Most importantly, he'd like to thank his family, Alejandra Worm (his mother), Priscilla Worm (his auntie), Ken "Big Daddy" Worm (his father), Joey "The Kid" Worm (his little brother), Angie Worm (his sister), and all the fine ladies in Orlando!
 #8 Eric Cartman, 5 Feet 3 Inches, 350 Pounds, Shooting Guard
Eric Cartman, 22, hails from South Park, Colorado. His favorite quote is "Hey guys, look at me! RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!" He played for the South Park Cows in High School, and dropped out of college to pursue his career as editor of "Crackwhore Magazine". Eric has been depicted in the new hit Comedy, "South Park", which shows on Comedy Central. He is happy to be playing for the Clippers. When he gets older, Eric hopes to also try playing hockey for the Kings, and is depicted at all Kings home game on the big screen yelling "RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!" He'd like to thank Stan, Kyle, himself, the chef, and Kenny, and he promises that if Kenny comes to a game, he'll try to make sure not to kill him.
#40 Lennon McCartney, 6 Feet 8 Inches, 225 Pounds, Small Forward
26 year old Lennon McCartney figures to see a lot of time on the bench, but he is very enthusiastic to be backing up Ron Steel and to lead cheers. Hailing from Great Britian, Lennon was named after the two composers themselves. He also is a songwriter himself, but says that he's not that great. His one song that was catchy, it turns out, was already written by someone else, and he gave it up. He would like to thank the Queen and the Prince of Whales. Before joining the Clippers, Lennon was a broke bum, but thanks to Mr. Donald T. Sterling, he now drives a new used car! Lennon would like to thank his mum, his pop, and all the children in the hospital for supporting him! GO #40!
#9 Sampson Shorty, 5 Foot 3 Inches, 300 Pounds, Point Guard
Sampson Shorty is the shortest, buffest black kid to ever come out of Whitehickville, Arkansas. 25 years old, Sampson's the proud son of Martin Short and Rosie O'Donnell. He has a strange skin disease and genetic mutation which has caused him to become black. He'd like to thank Michael Jackson for being a pioneer in the field of changing skin changes. When he's not on the basketball court, Sampson can be seen at the Old New Cafe in his home town. He'd like to thank all the little children for coming out and rooting for him, and would like to mention that he is getting paid $400,000 for saying that he uses ROLAIDS when he needs relief.
#50 Xeng Xeng-Shoti, 7 Feet 2 Inches, 295 Pounds, Center
Xeng Xeng-Shoti knows no English, but he knows plenty of basketball. Coming from the People's Republic of China, Xeng was groomed from an early age to play basketball and be tall. His brother, Xing Xeng-Shoti, was on the national team before dying tragically in a falling rock accident last year. Xeng likes to listen to Nirvana, but isn't sure if he'd like them if he understood the words. He'd like to thank Kobe Bryantsan for all his important and vast knowledge of basketball.
 #61 Art Everclear, 6 Feet 3 Inches, 190 Pounds, Shooting Guard
Art Everclear figures to warm the bench a lot, but he is really good with public relations. When players aren't speaking to the press, he'll speak for them. He'd like to thank Donald T. Streling for being such a sterling individual.
Kurt Rambis, Head Coach
You can't keep Kurt Rambis out of L.A., and apparently, you can't keep him out of coaching, either. Long-time Laker player and one-time Laker Interim Coach Kurt Rambis takes the reigns with a vengance! Kurt hopes to take out Phil Jackson's feet from under him, then throw him in front of a speeding truck. If that can't be arranged, he's content to beat Phil on the basketball court. He likes brownies. He'd like to thank Donald T. Sterling for giving him another chance at coaching.
To The Hollandar Pitts Network!